No Means No?

We’ve all done it. Said yes when really, we’ve meant to respond with a resounding no. We’ve agreed to something we then spend days dreading. Hosting a dinner when we have a work deadline. Going for coffee to support a friend’s need when we’d rather be helping our partner clean out the garage. Baking for someone else’s tea party. Watching a friend’s child. Car washing. House sitting. We’ve kicked ourselves for saying yes. Wondered how three letters could be so much easier than two.

No, I can’t be there. No, I’d rather not. No, I have previous obligations. No, my husband comes first.

I sometimes wonder whether I have that thing called a backbone? Did I miss out when that anatomical part was being handed out?

I once found a used flat screen TV on marketplace and messaged that I was interested. I drove forty-five minutes only to find that although the screen was flat, this was an old-school ginormous box of a TV. Did I walk away? No. I bought that TV because I couldn’t say no. I paid for it, hauled it home and then had to pay to get rid of it.

I suppose—no, I don’t suppose; I know—people pleasing is what causes me to say yes. I want to please and am willing to compromise my own needs for this end. But. It’s also more than that. Overcommitment, guilt, fear of perceived weakness, social expectations, and maybe even, sometimes, a bit of FOMO. 

We’re told to say no. We’re told that strong boundaries are the foundation of happiness, solid relationships, self-appreciation, and more. So why, if so much good can be gained from “no”, is it just so darn difficult to say?

I looked at the woman from whom I bought that TV and thought, well, I said yes; I said I wanted it; I have to take it; I can’t disappoint her.

And that part: the sense of disappointing others is what I need to examine. I’ve struggled to say no in countless contexts – personal, professional, and everything in between. I’ve heard the adage, “no is a complete sentence”, and yet, when I’ve mustered up the courage to say no, I can feel a waterfall of words bubbling up and pouring out. The reasoning, the explanations, the apologies. In large part, this must be the result of a sincere desire to avoid causing disappointment. Or maybe, more so, to be seen as a disappointment. That woman and her TV were looking at me: judging me. Daring me. I cratered.

My tendency is to think of “no” as selfish. Or weak. Or lazy. Perhaps no is the result of wanting to devote time to my own projects. And isn’t that selfish? Maybe it’s because I feel overextended. And isn’t that weak? Sometimes it’s because I just don’t want to. But maybe that’s laziness. I believe in the importance of helpfulness and generosity, and if I am to say no, to draw a boundary, am I effectively bypassing compassion?  

Or maybe that’s what the system we’ve grown up in has led us to believe. That productivity is to be lauded and that saying no is in direct opposition to the goals espoused by our capitalist society. But it’s more complicated than that. Recognizing boundaries and limitations and saying no is essential to a successful business. Essential to a successful “self”. 

I like to think of myself as tough. However, in a cruel kind of personality incongruity, I’m quick to crumble. I’m decisive and also prone to anxious thoughts. I have strong opinions but prefer to avoid conflict. I’m a straight-shooter but also deeply sensitive. I’ve heard my mum say that I’ve been a contradiction my whole life. Emotionally fragile, yet tough as nails, she’d say.

I like to think of myself as tough as nails. I can feel that description deep within me. It reminds me of the determination I feel when I’m confronted with challenging situations. It reminds me that I am strong. And yet, at the same time, I can’t help but wonder how someone strong can struggle so much with a simple word.

A few years ago, I read an article about a woman who spent a whole year saying yes. Yes to new experiences, invitations, and challenges. After a lifetime of saying no, the act of saying yes had a profoundly positive impact on her. Her health improved. Her outlook changed. Her life became better, and she credited it to the act of saying yes. 

There is something to be said for saying yes. Yes can help push us outside of our comfort zone, and certainly, there is growth in that. Five-and-a-half years ago, when the unexpected prospect of moving north emerged, I could have said no. I was full of fear. Saying yes, though, was the best thing I’ve ever done. It’s changed my life profoundly, for the better. 

What I’m trying to say is that I need to take a step back. I need to examine my motivations. Learn to look more objectively at the pros and cons. And I also need to recognize that sometimes saying yes and compromising my own needs is something I do simply because it makes me feel better about myself. Not always in a healthy way. The TV experience did not result in feeling good about myself. I did not feel empowered. I did not feel strong.

So yeah, bottom line: I have work to do.