Feeling Low

I’ve felt guilty recently. I think it may be because I’ve been feeling low. 

I’ve found myself here before. And it’s times like these that I’m reminded of Briana Pastor’s words:

How can you feel the freedom in the sun when you have not sat for a while under the shade of the trees. Surely you can learn to appreciate both. 

I believe these words. I believe we’re better able to appreciate the good when we’ve also had an opportunity to work through those experiences that test us. The experiences that cause us to confront who we are and the kind of person we want to be. Experiences that hurt and are hard. 

Maybe I’ve found myself feeling guilty not because I am feeling low but because feeling low isn’t all I’ve felt recently. Maybe it’s the conflicting nature of the emotions I’ve felt that have caused the guilt. I suppose having conflicting emotions is in many ways just part of being human. We are complex creatures and the conflicting emotions that we experience reflect this. 

But sometimes, even though I know conflicting emotions are normal, it can feel a bit muddled and altogether overwhelming.

A year and a half ago, there was a water leak in our home and this has caused a slew of issues since then. Our living space has been subject to various mould testing and remediation efforts, and most recently, in mid-August, we were temporarily out of our home for a mould abatement project. A week ago, after having moved all the furniture out of our main floor for the second time in six months, we learned that we wouldn’t be returning to our home as expected. Instead, we’d be displaced for a minimum of six to eight months. 

The thing about me is I am a true creature of habit. A home-body through and through. Should there be even the most minor kink in my morning routine, I feel it the rest of the day. There is power in routine; however, I recognize that adaptability is not my strength (yet!). The mould debacle threw a serious wrench in my morning routine, and in many ways, perhaps this was the universe providing me with an opportunity for growth. A chance to confront the things I find most challenging. Maybe the universe was telling me to rise to the occasion. 

In the most basic way, perhaps I did. I moved the furniture. I joked with the folks working on our house. Outwardly, I kept my cool when they told us the results weren’t what they’d hoped for. But in so many other ways, I felt weak. I felt I lacked resilience and the ability to step up to the challenge.

Could it have been because I was already feeling low? Sure. Or because of external factors? Maybe. 

I wonder if another reason may have been because in some ways I feel as though I don’t deserve to feel low. I wonder how I can feel this way when I also feel grateful for so much. If I am to sit back and take stock, the list of good is long. A loving husband, life in a beautiful place, dear friends, the best family, Chilli and soon puppy Bowen. How is it possible that low could be brought lower by a displacement that in the grand scheme of things is just a blip? 

I feel guilty for feeling the way I do about our displacement. We’re in a rental, so the work being completed comes at no cost to us. It’s work that is ultimately going to ensure we’re safe in our home – a privilege many are not afforded. In fact, there are folks in our very own community who ought to have this privilege and do not. We didn’t have to move far, and we had help. There really isn’t much different about our temporary home. And yet, it’s been a struggle.

So, I suppose this all makes me wonder how it is possible to feel both grateful and overwhelmed? Sad and joyful? Fulfilled and discontented?

Maybe this all ties into a larger and perhaps somewhat existential discussion. A few weeks ago, a friend visited the north. She’d come a long way, and we spent long hours in the Tacoma driving through the territory. We talked a lot. We shared gossip and laughed. But some of our conversations were heavy. The state of the world. The decision to have or not to have children. And about what it means to be selfish. 

These deep discussions were meaningful, but the last topic was the most thought provoking. Selfishness. It’s something I grew up thinking was a terrible thing, but contemporary discourse around the topic seem to indicate that we must be selfish in some ways. That in order to show up as the best person we can be for the people we love, we have to protect ourselves and our resources. That we have to prioritize self-care. That our commitment to ourselves should be paramount. And I suppose that this all indicates some sort of balance or symbiosis between selfishness and selflessness. But still, the idea of being selfish personally remains somewhat problematic. 

Does the guilt over my conflicting emotions stem from the confusion around the idea of prioritizing myself? I’m guessing that if I were quicker to give myself the permission to feel however I feel, it might be helpful. That if I allow myself to accept that I feel low and that’s okay, it will offset some of the thoughts that run through my mind and tell me I ought not to feel low. That there are others whose circumstances are worse or that I have x, y, z and therefore my present feelings aren’t justified. Maybe what I need is a dose of self-compassion. An offer from ego to accept the feelings without judgement. 

I often fear that when I feel low, I will sit in those feelings and allow them to take over. That my naturally positive disposition will be destroyed, and a bitter jadedness will remain. And I don’t want that. But maybe what I’m realising is that by failing to embrace the spectrum that is human emotion, I limit my ability to work through what I am feeling.